Feeling Misunderstood: Learning to Come Home to My Authentic Self

There’s a quiet ache that lingers after certain interactions — a kind of heaviness that isn’t always about what was said, but more about what wasn’t seen.

You know that feeling when you walk away from a conversation and your shoulders are tense, your mind replays the interaction on a loop, and your body whispers, “That didn’t feel good”? But you can’t quite name why. There was no conflict. No clear offence. Just an invisible bruise left behind.

For years, I’ve noticed this pattern with certain people — where being myself feels complicated. Where softness is met with sarcasm. Where I feel misread, misjudged, or boxed in. And the hardest part?
When someone sees a version of you that no longer exists — or never existed in the first place — and treats you accordingly.

When You’re Not Seen for Who You Really Are

Maybe you’ve grown. Softened. Changed. You’re trying to live more intentionally now, to choose peace over performance. But certain people still respond to an old version of you, like they’re stuck on a page you’ve already turned.

You find yourself wondering:

• Why do I feel so small in this dynamic?

• Why am I not allowed to just be quiet, serious, soft — without it being questioned?

• Why do I leave these interactions feeling like I have to prove I’m not doing something wrong — just by existing as I am?

I don’t need approval. I don’t need applause.
I just want to feel safe being me.
When we’re chronically misperceived, it can chip away at our sense of identity. This misalignment between how we see ourselves and how others treat us can result in feelings of isolation, low self-esteem, and even emotional exhaustion (Neurolaunch, 2023).

If you’re struggling with low self-esteem or emotional exhaustion, try these evidence-based strategies:

• Practice self-compassion to ease harsh self-judgment and boost resilience (Kirby et al., 2017).

• Set healthy boundaries to protect your mental energy and prevent burnout (West et al., 2018).

• Use mindfulness to stay grounded and reduce stress (Goyal et al., 2014).

• Challenge negative thoughts by cultivating positive self-talk (Hofmann et al., 2012).

• Connect with supportive people to strengthen your emotional well-being (Taylor et al., 2004).

• Prioritise quality sleep and rest for recovery (Medic et al., 2017).

What It Feels Like to Walk on Eggshells

Some dynamics feel like walking through a room full of unspoken rules — where you don’t know which version of yourself will be "too much," or which comment will be brushed off with a joke that doesn’t quite land.

In those spaces, I’ve caught myself:

• Going quiet so I don’t say the wrong thing

• Over-explaining myself to feel understood

• Laughing at things that sting, just to keep the mood light

• Taking care of others to prove I’m not difficult

• Leaving with a smile but a drained nervous system

This isn’t about blame.
It’s about awareness.
About noticing the patterns that dim our light and questioning why we keep showing up in spaces where we don’t feel free.
Environments where emotions are dismissed or minimised often lead to chronic hypervigilance. Over time, this fosters self-silencing and emotional suppression — a trauma response rooted in a fear of disconnection (Psychology Today, 2022).

The Weight of Being "Too Much" and "Not Enough"

Some of us were handed labels early on: Too sensitive. Too emotional. Too serious. Overthinker. Can’t take a joke.

And even as adults, those labels follow us in whispers.
We learn to apologise for being affected. We question if our reactions are too much. We start laughing things off just to avoid being “the problem.”

But here’s what I remind myself:
Feeling deeply doesn’t make you fragile — it makes you connected.
To yourself. To others. To the moment.
Internalising labels from childhood often leads to a harsh inner critic and distorted self-perception. This can hinder emotional freedom and intimacy in relationships (Brown, 2015).

Not All Closeness Feels Safe

Sometimes, the most draining spaces are the ones closest to us.

There’s no fight. No drama. Just a lingering sense that you had to shrink yourself to fit in. That you edited your tone, your expression, your truth — to stay palatable.

That’s when I remind myself:
Closeness without emotional safety isn’t intimacy — it’s performance.

And I’m learning — slowly — that I don’t need to perform to belong.
Emotional safety is the foundation of true connection. Without it, individuals may feel the need to mask their authentic selves, which can increase stress and reduce emotional well-being (Edmondson, 1999).

What Healing Looks Like (For Me)

This isn’t a journey of cutting people out. It’s about not cutting myself off in the process.

This is what coming home to myself looks like:

I take space without guilt — not as punishment, but as self-care
I walk, I write, I return to what I know is true about who I am
I stop over-explaining — because truth doesn’t always need translation
I reflect without self-blame — asking “What did that bring up in me?” with compassion
I release old roles — the ones I never chose but felt pressured to perform

Healing also looks like sitting with the discomfort instead of rushing to make it go away.
Like letting the ache breathe — and not turning it into shame.
Practices like self-compassion, mindfulness, and emotional reflection are key to healing emotional invalidation. They restore internal safety and rebuild trust in one's own feelings (Neff, 2003).

If You Relate to This…

If you’ve ever left a room and felt off for hours afterward — you’re not alone.
If you’ve ever gone quiet because it didn’t feel safe to speak — you’re not alone.
If you’ve ever felt like your presence was "too much" or "not enough" — you’re so not alone.

You’re not too sensitive. Or needy. Or overreacting.
You’re just noticing where your soul is asking for more truth, more peace, more care.

And that noticing? That’s the beginning of everything.

Coming Home to Your Authentic Self

This isn’t about demanding change from others.
It’s about refusing to abandon yourself — even when it’s uncomfortable.

You’re allowed to:

• Be quiet without being questioned

• Say no without guilt

• Speak softly without being dismissed

• Take space without explaining

• Be emotional without being labelled

You don’t have to be the "easy one," the "fun one," or the one who never makes things awkward.
You just have to be you.

And every time you honour how you feel — even silently — you come home.
Every time you choose authenticity over approval, you build a new kind of safety: one that starts within.
Authenticity and self-acceptance are deeply correlated with life satisfaction and emotional resilience. Embracing your whole self — even the misunderstood parts — strengthens your psychological foundation (Wood et al., 2008).

Feeling misunderstood isn't a flaw - it's a sign

A sign that you’re expanding beyond the spaces that once fit.
That your soul is reaching for something truer, gentler, more aligned.

You don’t need to justify your growth to anyone.
You just need to honour it.
To trust that inner knowing.

And when you do?
You’ll come home — not to who the world told you to be,
but to who you’ve always been beneath it all.
Whole. Worthy. Free.

References

Brown, B. (2015). Rising Strong. Spiegel & Grau. https://brenebrown.com/book/rising-strong/

Edmondson, A. (1999). Psychological safety and learning behavior in work teams. Administrative Science Quarterly, 44(2), 350–383. https://www.jstor.org/stable/2666999

Neff, K. D. (2003). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and Identity, 2(2), 85–101. https://www.researchgate.net/publication/232538926_A_Longitudinal_Study_of_Delinquency_and_Other_Aspects_of_Children%27s_Behavior

Neurolaunch. (2023). Feeling Misunderstood: Psychological Insights and Coping Strategies. https://neurolaunch.com/feeling-misunderstood-psychology/

Psychology Today. (2022). How Childhood Invalidation Affects Adult Well-Being. https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/understanding-ptsd/202207/how-childhood-invalidation-affects-adult-well-being

Wood, A. M., Linley, P. A., Maltby, J., Baliousis, M., & Joseph, S. (2008). The authentic personality: A theoretical and empirical conceptualization and the development of the Authenticity Scale. Journal of Counseling Psychology, 55(3), 385–399. https://psycnet.apa.org/doiLanding?doi=10.1037%2F0022-0167.55.3.385

Kirby, J. N., Tellegen, C. L., & Steindl, S. R. (2017). A meta-analysis of compassion-based interventions: Current state of knowledge and future directions. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 95, 38-48. https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0005789417300667

West, C. P., Dyrbye, L. N., & Shanafelt, T. D. (2018). Physician burnout: Contributors, consequences, and solutions. Journal of Internal Medicine, 292(2), 211-224. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/29505159/

Goyal, M., Singh, S., Sibinga, E. M. S., et al. (2014). Meditation programs for psychological stress and well-being: A systematic review and meta-analysis. JAMA Internal Medicine, 174(3), 357-368. https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamainternalmedicine/fullarticle/1809754

Hofmann, S. G., Asnaani, A., Vonk, I. J., et al. (2012). The efficacy of cognitive behavioural therapy: A review of meta-analyses. Cognitive Therapy and Research, 36(5), 427-440. https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10608-012-9476-1

Taylor, S. E., Sherman, D. K., Kim, H. S., et al. (2004). Culture and social support: Who seeks it and why? Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 71(5), 1050-1065. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/15382985/#:~:text=Abstract,with%20stress%20than%20European%20Americans.

Medic, G., Wille, M., & Hemels, M. E. (2017). Short- and long-term health consequences of sleep disruption. Nature and Science of Sleep, 9, 151-161. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/28579842/